The Gift of the Gay/Lesbian Child: How Families Survive and Thrive When a Child Comes Out

Background: Theories of gay and lesbian identity development focus primarily on the experience of the individual. However, there is increasing evidence that parents experience an adjustment process after learning their child is gay, and that gays and lesbians are psychologically impacted by their parents' initial and ongoing reactions. This suggests the importance of examining coming out as a family process that impacts parents, parent-child relationships, and youth well-being.

Purpose and Methods: A theoretical model of family adjustment was derived from qualitative interviews of a multicultural sample of 65 families of gay and lesbian youth (ages 18-25). Grounded theory and narrative methods were used to collect and analyze the data. Youth and parents were asked how initial parental reactions to the discovery of the youth's sexual orientation changed over time and what facilitated adjustment. The impacts of coming out on family member well-being and relationships were also elicited. Interviewers used probes to elicit changes in family interactions throughout the coming out process. All interviews were audio taped, transcribed, and coded. The principal investigator used peer debriefing and member checking to check codes.

Results: Stages of Family Adjustment

Family Sensitization

Similar to Troiden's (1989) initial stage of gay and lesbian identity development, the respondent families recalled undergoing an initial period characterized by a child's silent struggles with same-sex attractions and parental worries for their well being. The youths' attempts to hide and repress their same sex attractions led them to distance from their parents who reacted with suspicion and worry.

Family Discovery Crisis

Youth and parents recalled an increase in tension eventually resulting in a child disclosing or being confronted by parents. Parents experienced feelings of self-blame and mourning, accompanied by depression and anxiety. Children experienced relief over not being rejected but were unsuccessful in their efforts to get parental support as family relationships were typically strained immediately following discovery.

Family Recovery

During this phase, parents sought education and support from friends, relatives, support groups and professionals. They were also encouraged by their children's confidence and desire for renewed family closeness. However, parental adjustment was impeded if a child manifested cross-gendered behavior or developmental problems. Youth overestimated the effect of their own confidence on parental adjustment and were unaware of their parents' struggles with self-blame and mourning.

Family Rapprochement

For families who successfully negotiated previous stages, parent-child relationships improved as a result of the discovery and recovery processes. The youth's relief and openness with their parents led to ongoing improvement in family relationships. Some parents considered their child's sexual orientation a “gift” which renewed or enhanced their relationships with their children and sensitized them to issues of social injustice. However, in even the most adjusted families, parents continued to worry about their children's well being and the effects of stigma.

Practice Implications for each stage will be offered and will target reciprocal parent-child interactions that foster parental adjustment and youth self-esteem and also offer hope that families with a coming out child can not only survive but also grow and thrive.