When Sons-in-Law Have Positive Relationships with Their Father-in-Law: Guiding Social Work Practice

Background and Purpose: Little research has been conducted on in-law relationships and even less has been conducted specifically on son-in-law and father-in-law relationships. With more than 2 million couples marrying each year in the U.S. and with three-quarters of women over 30 being married (CDC, 2015), the need for understanding in-law relationships, beyond cartoon caricatures, is significant with implications for both the marital functioning of the newlyweds and for their relationships with their families of origin.

This paper is one step in filling the research gap on this population of married men by describing the qualities of the relationships with fathers-in-law that appear most successful.  With a clear understanding of components of successful sons-in-law and father-in-law relationships, social workers working with couples and families will have models on which to base their interventions when marital and inter-generational struggles arise.

Methods: Forty-eight sons-in-law (two-thirds are white, one-fifth are African-American) who are part of a larger study of in-laws that focuses on same-gender relationships, i.e., sons-in-law with fathers-in-law and daughters-in-law with mothers-in-law, were surveyed and then interviewed using a qualitative interview guide. MSW students in an advanced research class administered a 100+ item survey and interviewed people over the age of 21 who had a living in-law of the same gender. No two members of the same family were interviewed. As per IRB approved procedures, students could interview people they knew (except family members), people whose name they acquired through acquaintances, and people they met in public places.

Analyzing the surveys, sons-in-law were placed in two groups - those who answered positively to six items: 1. feeling close to their father-in-law; 2. admiring him; 3. being able to ask him for advice; 4. feeling approved of by the father-in-law for marriage; 5. not “walking on eggshells” with him; and 6. not maintaining emotional distance - and those who did not answer positively to at least one of the six.  The interviews of those that answered affirmatively were then coded by two independent coders to look for common themes.  When there were differences, the coders met to resolve the differences.

Findings: Nine of the 48 answered affirmatively to all six questions.  The characteristics that emerged during the interviews coalesced around sons-in-law having married into families where the father-in-law has a strong relationship with his daughter, values family, is described as boundaried, and is warm and accepting. In addition, the sons-in-law expressed a fondness for their father-in-law and are not interacting with him solely to please their wife. 

Selected case quotes will be used to illustrate the findings.  For example, one son-in-law said, “With my father-in-law, we do the talking about the man stuff. We also talk about stuff two guys being friends would talk about.”

Conclusion and Implications:

With so little known about this key family relationship, focusing on the positive allows social workers to gain a sense of the qualities related to successful son-in-law/father-in-law relationships. These qualities, particularly the importance of boundaries and building a friendship, can be woven into therapeutic interventions.